Happy as yellow and the sun?

Life is good, it’s great. My ankle has healed from the reconstructive surgery I had 9 weeks ago. I’m sleeping again. My energy is up to the point where, after years, I redecorated my room and now love it. Bright colors, white billowing curtains, an awesome rug, it’s so happy. My surgeon fully cleared me, and I went on my first walk with my adorable dog, post op, yesterday. Neuropsychiatry and neuropsychology have piqued my interest and I’m devouring books on the topics. My faith is growing stronger, and I’m back to talking to God daily. 

I feel so empty. With all of that in the last paragraph, I feel bad. Is depression again? Numbness? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I’m struggling with not abusing Vistaril (Atarax). My psychiatrist, for obvious reasons, won’t prescribe anything harder. I can relax when I take a few, my brain slows to a pace where I’m not overthinking everything. I can’t tell my therapist, my psychiatrist. My therapist is new, I’ve only seen her twice. The last one started canceling on me over 50% of the time. That’s just ridiculous. 

Everyone else invades my thoughts. I keep comparing myself to them. What a horribly stupid thing to do, I’m fully aware. Small groups are wonderful, I truly believe the lifeblood of the church. I love and hate mine with such passion. Those women are so sweet, so caring, so loving. It’s so obvious I’m the odd duck out there. They all have wonderful, fulfilling careers. Due to my surgery, I had to quit what I considered my perfect nanny job. Adorable kids, sweet parents, the best hours. Now, I’m a pet sitter. Not a bad gig, but sure doesn’t pay the bills and absolutely not a job to blink for. 

Yes, I know I need to give myself grace. I have multiple, serious illnesses that are treatable but not curable. I work my ass off to keep myself healthy. Two different types of therapies every week. I’m med compliant and never skip psychiatrist appointments. I finally got in with a gastroenterologist center that’s nationally known and have an appointment next week. You automatically see a nutritionist while you’re there, which I’m greatly looking forward to. I’m even back to exercising and have been losing weight. I should be proud of everything I’ve accomplished. Last year at this time, I was strung out on Benzos and, unbenounced to me, getting ready to enter the hospital due to it all. I hadn’t worked in years. 

But I still feel so empty. My chest hurts. If only I could cry (Ha, I went to a bar a couple of nights ago and was practically attacked by some guy I’d never met before, because I can’t show my feeling. He only knows about PTSD and assumed I have it and, unfortunately, has no concept of any other mental health problems. Do not get into an argument with me if you don’t know your shit. I’m going t run circles around you.). I love my church, Sunday school class, bible study, and small group. When I go to any of those I always have to fight the feelings of being alone, empty. Yes, I’m in a class with other singles that are my age. Everyone seems to be in a relationship, are pursuing someone or being pursued. If it’s not that, they have really close friends. I can easily go, get a couple of hi’s and a hug or two, and then sit down without anyone really noticing. Last time I went, I tried to join a couple of conversations before, feeling defeated, sitting down. I was at an empty table. Did my small group sit with me? No. That made me feel shitty. They just didn’t see me? I never asked. Luckily, my table filled up and pleasantries were exchanged with me. Should I say something? The thought plagued me for a week. I eventually asked why I’m not invited to anything  I’m not exaggerating on that one. I had set up the rule that during small group we only talk about events all of us are invited to. Of course that doesn’t happen. “You’re going to be invited to things now that you’re healed. Everyone is ready for you to be back.” The thing is, I’ve been back and haven’t been invited. There was a game night last Saturday. It was talked about at small group and at the bar this week. Wow, that makes me feel so welcomed and included. If you’re ready for me to come back, wouldn’t you invite me to events so I can actually come back? I’m sure I’m overthinking things here. I mean that’s my number one awesome quality. 

I just feel lost. I really want a few mg of Xanax, a blunt, and a couple beers. Ha! Is that too much to ask?

At church, just sitting in my car, hesitating to go in. Everything is going right in my life. Why am I so depressed? Even though I’ll see my friends soon it doesn’t feel like they want to see me. They ask if I can record and make cds but nothing of being happy to see me. Although, they say they’re happy others are coming. It’s just like, ok, the past is swinging around to the present. 

It’s like I’m begging God to take away my pain and despair. It doesn’t work that way, and I know it. I guess it’s better than never letting him in. 

So here I go. Time to have dinner by myself.  Pick myself up and play the game one more time. 

Emotional me

Today has now become a sad day. I just read that a childhood friend has terminal cancer. This I have suspected for months, but to know the treatments didn’t work is heartbreaking. She and her husband have four kids five and under. Please pray for a miracle and for God to ease her pain. 

This has already been an emotional week. I openened up with my therapist and shared the most about my middle school years than I have with anyone else. I shared how I felt as well as facts as to what happened in my family. Becoming vulnerable is very hard for me. The bolts and nuts are never the hard part, reaching in and grabbing those emotions is playing with fire. 

DBT skills groups was no easier. My example was used for the class. Although there was only one other person, talking about my emotions and struggles for an hour made it so real. 

I want someone I can cry out to. I want someone’s shoulder to rest my head on and maybe a hand to squeeze. Will that ever happen? Who’s to know. For now, my phone offers more solace than none. 

I don’t know

When you have too many feelings what do you do? Do you sit and stew? Take a run? Call a friend? Well I don’t know. For the first time in 16 years I can feel, and I can feel a lot. It’s scary as hell and I’m lost. I miss the easy days of numbing my mind and sliding through life. “I don’t cry,” is my favorite saying. Is it an exceptable thing to do? Can I get overwhelmed, sad, excited, mad?

Someone tell me what do to, how to feel. I guess if you do that you’re telling me how to be me. How many more years do I have to figure all this out?

My Mother

She is the biggest bitch, trigger, fake person I know. Never is there an apology or even a hint of “I’m wrong.” I would run far, far away if I could. My mood can plummet from feeling solidly happy to deep disparity in two minutes flat. 

I’m learning she isn’t capable of the compassion I want. Other people and places need to become my safe places. Isn’t it a pretty basic want, for her to be there when I need support? The sooner I internalize it’s not going to happen is the sooner I’ll find happiness. 

Yesterday I let her throw me into sadness and depression. I allowed an outside force to ruin my mood, myself. Never will I be truly content if I continue to do that. It doesn’t matter that she yelled and blamed me for the world ending for two minutes straight. I was the one who internalized the words. The words always, never, bad are slipping out of my vocabulary, why did I allow them back in?

No one is perfect, not me, not her. I am a good person despite not having a long ways to go. Happiness is something you decide to be and you can decide that anytime. She can yell and scream and call me names. I don’t have to listen and agree though.