day 1

I’ve been, told for so many years that I need to write down what I feel. It will make you feel better and get it all out. The problem is I don’t know how to let it out and when I do things go terribly awry.  I’m going to give it one more try, one more chance. I am almost at the end of my rope. The end is frayed and my fingers are wrapped around the scissors. I don’t want to hang on. I want to cut it off, let me go. But I can’t. That would be me losing in another way. Everywhere I turn, everything I do, I lose.And It’s starting to hurt. So bad. The physical pain is just as bad as the emotional. My chest is tight. My stomach churns constantly. It feels like I can physically hear and feel my thoughts spinning and crushing in my head.

I try. I do. I promise.I’m doing everything they tell me to do. I take all my meds, on time, every day. I workout 5 times a week. I’m eating healthier. I go to therapy twice a week. I go to every doctor appointment. What’s it for? I’m not hollow inside. I’m full on rocks and stones and sand. I’m so so heavy. It’s so hard to move. I keep on going. I have to. too many people have put too much effort into me. It wouldn’t be fair to them.

So I’m at a crossroads. Give up and be taken over? Or can I finally listen to myself? Tell people it’s not okay. I’m not okay.You can’t cuss me out. When you’re not cussing at me and mumbling negative hate under your breath, you ignore me. If I can’t do it to you, you can do it to me. I would be wrong in saying that. I have to go by what the Bible says, right? Friendship is a two-way street. Why am I always the first to text? The one who checks in on you? One day can’t someone call me and invite me to hang out or offer their ear to listen?

I’m the first person to admit I’m far from perfect. The farthest that you can get. I have good days. I have bad days. I have social anxiety and act awkward. Does that make me less of a person? I guess it does.

I guess what I’m trying to say from all of this is that I want to be treated how I treat you. If I treat you like shit, treat me like shit back. But if I genuinely try, I want the same back. I know I’ll slip up and you will too. We are only human. I am ready to leave this world as soon as I can. Some will say I just need my meds increased or more therapy. That’s bullshit. There’s only so much a person can take and my bag is so very close to being full.

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