day 4

I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I guess overall the day was fine, but I just don’t feel great. I’m starting to feel helpless and hopeless and those feelings suck. I went to the gym five days in a row. I feel really accomplished with that. My goal is to go on the weekdays and take weekends off. So far I’m doing well with it. I can feel my body changing and am able to do the machines longer. That aspect of my life is freakin awesome. I feel I’m in control of it.

The bro is home. I thought it would be great. That’s a big nope. I’ve been ignored by him as well as my parents. I’m used to the ‘rents not paying attention to me (or too much when I fuck up) but usually my bro wants to hang out with me at least a little bit. The men cooked dinner for my mom’s (belated) birthday. Most of it was edible. I cooked and cleaned the whole meal on Wednesday so I thought I wasn’t wanted in the kitchen tonight. They planned the menu and went to the store without consulting me. Then, when some things go wrong, I get the usual from dad. Why aren’t you in here doing it? Well I wasn’t asked! How hard is it to cook a fucking steak and make mashed potatoes. I just don’t get it and don’t think I ever will. I need to truly accept my dad has no respect for me and definitely loves my brothers more.

I’m looking forward to going to the beach tomorrow for the women’s retreat. The retreat is the whole weekend but I thought we would spend time as a family. So I’m just going for the day. I think, I pray, this will be good for me. I want to get to know these girls more and go closer to the Lord in the process. From my rants on here, you probably can’t tell I believe in God and he sent his only Son to come and save us from our sins. Really, believing in Him is the only thing that gets me through the day.

I really want to find the reason I’m on this Earth. Maybe that’s why I’m not dead yet. God might have amazing plans for me before I die but can he just hurry up? I’m getting restless here.

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