Tick tock

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning. I have ECT in a few hours. Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights are hard. Complete fasting after midnight. It wouldn’t really be a big deal if my medications didn’t make my mouth dry and thus making me oh so thirsty. I also can’t take all of my medications, as they are seizure inhibitors and I’m trying to have seizures. 

Yesterday I was super depressed. Like couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t eat depressed. I started crying at the dinner table. I don’t even know why. Hopefully today will be a better day. When I talk to the dr before my ECT, I’m going to ask him when most people get their meds adjusted. I’m on so many and they make me sleep all the time. It’s like that on purpose. We were just trying to keep me alive until I got into the ECT program. I hate that this illness has overtaken my life. It’s trying to beat me down and so far it’s doing a pretty good job. I know I can’t give into the hurt, pain, and frustration. 

This week will be better than last week. Next week will be better than this. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Gradually I’ll start feeling better, even if it’s just a little bit. I’m going to bible study on Thursday, it’s already been set up for a friend to take me. 

Thursday morning I go to court to try and keep my license. I’ve been emailing the person they told me to. She’s supposed to give me what the state will be showing as evidence. Also, she’s supposed to give me the basic information on how the trial will work. I don’t really drive right now but I do need my license for going to the dr and therapist and for church events. I can’t even remember the last time I drove. Maybe it was a week ago? Taking it away from me will be much more of a mental blow. 

I guess I’m done for now. I have so much in my mind but it’s whirling around too fast for me to pluck a thought out of. 

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