I just read the most heart wrenching text I have ever received. Last Wednesday night I overdosed again. It wasn’t just a little get get attention OD. NO, I tried my hardest to die. I had researched the ways, knew the cocktail to take.
I failed to realize what effect my death would have on others. I honestly thought everyone would be relieved. My illness had me believe the twisted mindset that all I was doing was taking up space and wasting everyone’s time and energy.
I know now that’s complete bullshit. My friend went so far to look up my parents home number and call them when he didn’t hear from me. He came and saw me in the ICU and even brought the most beautiful flowers. I had fallen asleep waiting for him. When he came, all he did was sit there. He let me sleep. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone would do that for me. Before he left, he wrote me a short note. I now have it framed in my room. The note is a constant reminder that someone cares.
The text I read was from my little brother. My heart is still reeling from what I read. I’m not going to share it because it’s deeply personal and I don’t think I have the right to publish his heart and soul. It will take time, prayer, and lots of work to mend our relationship, but I’m willing to put in everything I have to repair what I tore apart.
I was fortunate to have a two hour therapy session yesterday. We broke down what happened and what plans need to be put in place to prevent another attempt. Honestly, I’m sick of what I’ve let my life to become. I’m about to do some drastic changes. Thursday will consist of looking at apartments and group homes. It’s not that I don’t love my family, but I just can’t live with them. I need to become much more proactive in regards to the mental illness I have. No more laying in bed all day and doing nothing. Exercise is now part of my routine. Not only do I need to shed a lot of weight but I need all the endorphins I can get. I’m becoming more involved in my church. I firmly believe God kept me alive for a reason. I don’t know what that is yet, but I don’t need to. God will change me from who I used to be.
I’m ready for my life to be beautiful. That doesn’t mean it will be perfect. It means I will let my family and friends into my heart. Above all, I will let God take control.
I will keep on.