Nightmares

I just woke up from a nightmare (I had ECT today; that’s why I’m sleeping all day). I was just trying to go home and change but there was some type of secret meeting and/or training. I won’t go into detail but I was alone and people were yelling at me. When I woke up I realized that the biggest change and thing I miss is companionship. It’s not that I’m alone all the time; its that I feel alone. I have no one to connect to, no one to share what I’m really thinking, my deep, dark secrets and fears. Sure, I have a few “close” friends. I feel like I’m an after thought to them. I would love to have someone in which I could tell everything to. 

I guess I fear judgement. I fear abandonment. I fear what I say will be told to someone else and I’ll lose that person. I fear I’ll get in trouble for what I say. I’ll be locked up for my thoughts. Trust me, I hate it. 

How do I release my emotions? Who is my sounding board? I’m not saying I want a sexual relationship or to date anyone. I just want someone who I can say to, “hey I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot today. Can I just talk to you for a couple of minutes? If you’re free in the next few days, can we hang out for a little bit? I’ll come to you.”

Is it me? I know I’m overbearing and neurotic. I’m not good with boundaries. Sometimes you have to be blatantly honest with me to get it. Does that make me unworthy of closeness?

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