exploding

So many things are running through my head right now. I can barely lock in on one before it shoots away.  My day has been draining.  I started writing a post on my phone but couldn’t finish.  Today was hard. Like the hardest day I think I’ve ever had in therapy of any kind. There were so many things I wanted to get out. So many things I wanted to share. I shared a lot, but not all. I don’t know why I could n’t share everything. I was still thinking of others when I had the floor.  I didn’t want to take up too much time. Even after everyone told me it’s time to start being a little selfish, that’s it’s okay for me to put myself first sometimes.

I talked about my brother’s molestation and how it affected me. I was so hard, but I couldn’t cry. I still can’t seem to have emotions, except I can be mad and angry. I’m quite good at that. I’ve never gone into detail about it before.

I need to go to bed now or I won’t get up in time for php tomorrow. I want to be on time at least once! So I’m going to write down what I want to write about and come back to it later.

Here’s my list:

  • the molestation itself, Ted, the kidnapping, police coming to the house multiple times, being in Ted’s truck, brother’s suicide attempt (how it affected me), trial, verdict, being in the news, subsequent move, secrecy
  • my lack of self-esteem
  • eating disorder
  • why can’t I remember blocks of time in my past
  • emotions
  • pills, pot, cocaine, alcohol
  • cutting
  • inappropriate sexual activity
  • suicidal ideation, and sometimes a full-blown plan
  • parents
  • lack of meaningful friendships that last

I’m sure there’s more but that’s what pops out right now.

Goodnight!

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