Terrified

I’m home alone. Well at my parents house by myself. I don’t really feel like I have a home right now. I’ve only moved a bed into the room I’m renting. The nurse and doctors think it’s best for me to not move right now. 

We’re taking it on a day by day basis. I’ve had two psychiatrists in two days ask if I need to go back to inpatient. Sure, it might be safer in the short term. The thing about inpatient is that I do and act what and how I need to do in order how to get out. I put on a total mask. I’m starting to slowly pick at the mask that I’ve worn for so long in the program I’m now attending. There are so many times I can’t even put a word to my feelings. It’s scary as hell. I’ve spent almost all of my life wearing a mask, even wearing a full set of armor. The thing is, masks and armor don’t last forever, and mine is giving out, washing away. 

I am terrified for someone to see the real me. What if they hate me? What if they’re disgusted of me? Will they just walk away like so many others have? Why do you think I’m so overweight? Not only do I eat to make myself sick to punish myself, there is a stigma of people who are overweight. People see you as lazy and that you don’t care about yourself. When people make negative assumptions they tend to keep their distance a little more. I have a false confidence about myself. In reality, I hate myself. I can build someone else up but ask me to say something positive about myself and I’m out of words. 

I am excellent at feeling angry, aggressive. But to feel sad, well that terrifies me. That means I have to face myself. Do you know how scary that is? My mom taught me to be tough. I don’t get to have feelings. I need to be thinking of others. It’s a sin and selfish to think of me, myself, I. Well right now I am sad. I want to use, to cut, to smoke my feelings away. 

I signed a safety contract at the hospital today. I’m trying to honor it. But honestly, I don’t know if I can make it the whole night. I’m taking it hour by hour. I wish there was someone I could reach out to and tell. I don’t want to be a burden. I know everyone else is busy; they don’t need to waste their time on me. 

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