I hurt so bad but don’t know why. Why can’t I cry. The tears just don’t come. It seems like it would be such an emotional release, but how would I know? Is it my pride that keeps the tears from coming? Am I too scared to let my emotions out, for others to see I’m not made of steel? 

I read my post from yesterday to my php group this morning. It was actually really well received. I felt so volnerable and scared. The group let me be sad and scared and didn’t try to tell me my feelings were invalid. It felt so good!

I’m watching Thursday night football with my dad. We’ve actually had a conversation! I told him that if ECT doesn’t work again this week, I won’t try again. I let him read about VNS (vagus nerve stimulation). That’s the next therapy I’m considering. He’s actually on the same page as me. Today has been a day of validations. 

Why am I still sad? Why does it feel like something is missing? I don’t know. I don’t need to figure it out today. I just need to be proud that I let myself feel today. 

Til tomorrow…


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