I can see how Michael Jackson became so addicted to propofol. I noticed myself getting more and more excited about the final moments before I am put under rather than the effects of ECT. The slight burns and slowly closing my eyes. I wish I could do it everyday. It’s like a slight high. Two more days. 

Of course I want the ECT to work this time. I’m even attempting to stop taking Ativan this weekend. I broke down and took .5 mg about an hour ago. The anger, shortness, anxiety was kicking in. Tomorrow night I’ll try .25 mg and nothing Sunday night. I just have to make it through Monday morning. That’ll be my mantra. 

Tomorrow is packing and cleaning my room. Maybe I’ll even go buy a purple shirt for Sunday. My parents, dog, and I are going to see my little brother and will be going to watch a basketball game at his school. We’re celebrating my birthday and his amazing internship for next semester. For now, it’s time to turn the lights out and go to sleep!


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