Yeah didn’t read past the first sentence. Through my many months of therapy I’ve learned it’s a horrible thing to reread your old journals. You write to free yourself. Why weight yourself down by the past?
I decided it was just as important to read my posts as to write them. So that’s what I did today. WOW! My heart sure started hurting. My past seems so negative, difficult, depressing, sad. I know I use this to get all my feelings out but I think I need to be more aware of the good things in my life.
The php (partial hospitalization program) I’m in is amazing. I feel like I can say this due to the number of other programs I’ve attended. My therapist is real and authentic. They don’t just throw everyone together and pick their favorites from the group to help. It’s an equal opportunity and safe zone. So many people can’t afford a program like this. Their are people who have done what I have that are in jail. They aren’t being seen by professionals who are at the top of their field. My ECT Doctor travels around the country speaking and sharing his knowledge. Yet, even with all his clout, he consults with me before every ECT and makes sure to see me afterwards to tell me how my seizure was. I am so blessed to have these professionals in my life (sorry if that came off southern).
Of course no friendship is perfect. If you want, you can pick apart every little thing and ruin a relationship. I’m very good at this. But even through all my idiosyncrasies I have a couple of good, solid friends. I have one from church, one from support group, and one from a former job. They are all so different and with that, they are able to fill all my needs and more. I know I have a couple of former friends that I’ve pushed away and I think I’d like to try and repair them. Baby steps. I know I need to be the best me before I take on another challenge.
Last, but certainly not least, is my family. They are many times my biggest trigger. Saying that, they don’t know they’re triggering me most times. They are ligitimately trying to help. I need to remember that every time I start getting upset. I have unconditional love for them (even if I don’t want to admit it occasionally). I have gotten really close to my older brother recently. We barely talked until a few months ago. He has been through a lot of similar situations and rough times in his life. We’ve really bonded over these things. We’re going up to visit him and his family the day after Christmas. I will be the only one staying at their house. Everyone else has to get a hotel room! True, I will be sleeping in a closet, but it is quite large. Now, I can’t finish without shining praise on my beautiful and almost perfect dog. She gets so excited everyday when I get home. She waits at the door for a big hug and kiss and some cuddle time. I love that no matter what has gone on, she is still there to love me. She’s the first one I see in the morning and last at night.
Quite ironic timing this post of gratefullness is. I’m definitely not saying my posts need to be all unicorns and sunshine. I am saying I might need to throw in something positive every now and then. No harm can come by it, right?