I want to smile

Over and over I keep starting to write this post. I can get a line or two out and then I freeze. My feelings have total control. The words refuse to form and become jumbled balls of letters in my head. So this is what I have wanted to say for so long. I feel safe to get it out on here, even if I never get the strength to share it out loud. 

With every relationship I feel I put in more than I get out. Throughout the week I’ll send a couple of texts to see how a friend is doing or maybe something sweet or funny that I know will make them smile. Usually it’s me who asks to hang out. Sometimes I’ll even call a friend of I know they’re going through something. 

In the perfect world I would get back what I put in. That’s not reality though. I don’t know if I choose bad friends or I expect way too much out of people. My guess is it’s a combination of both. Whatever the reason, I rarely have friends text me first, be the one to ask me to hang out, or call me when I’m struggling. 

In the past I would let this slowly destroy me but I’m changing. I feel I’m putting back up that wall and stepping into my armor. If I want to survive I’ve got to be strong and start playing this game that is life. It might be even lonelier at first, but at least I don’t have to continually have my heart smashed. 

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