I’ve been in a small group at church for quite some time now. At first I had this picturesque thought in my mind of how it was going to be. For a while I even thought I was living out that picture. Now that things aren’t so glazed over from the effects of ect, I see I was wrong.
This event happened a few months ago and I just can’t get it out of my head. My birthday was on a Sunday last year. I was in php and still having ect frequently. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it because at the time I was still very depressed. I didn’t think I was worth being celebrated. My parents and I decided to go up and see my little bro for the day and go to a basketball game at his school (they are quite good).
I told people I was going up there for my birthday and only mentioned about my day a couple of times. That day I had one person outside of my family wish me happy birthday. I told him so and got two other girls in php with us text me happy birthday. I meant so much to me that he cared enough about me to do that. Other than my family and those three, no one else wished me a happy birthday. And this is why it hurt so much.
I am the one in the group who always gets the card and a gift for someone’s birthday. I want them to feel special for a day, how I would want to feel. No one ever chipped in or offered to and that’s ok. I just thought I would get the same treatment when my turn came.
The day after my birthday was a Monday ect treatment. Because I had not responded to the unilateral treatment the time before, we decided to try bilateral. It was a success. I did have a major setback with my memory. My name, where I was, who brought me all eluded my mind.
Also that Monday, my small was having a dinner to celebrate thanksgiving. I ended up not being able to go because, well I felt like a jumbled mess. I felt bad canceling at the last minute but it had to be done.
No one from the group has ever mentioned my birthday. Not that long ago I mentioned I finally used the mani/pedi gift certificate my mom got me for my birthday. Still not even a question of oh when was yours or something like that.
To be honest it hurts. It hurts really fucking bad. I do all this work to make others feel special but don’t get the same treatment in return. Not even close. So I need a break from them. I need some time to move past this and stop harboring resentment. What’s over is done. We can’t change the past. I can only learn from this and learn.
Sometimes it takes time to smile again. I will smile again.