So I know I should be asleep. It’s late for me and I’m tired. I would have gone to bed hours ago but a couple of my friends needed me. First, it’s pretty awesome for me to feel needed. Second, I just called two people friends. I realized tonight that most of my life I’ve gone without friends. Friendless.
No one to call and talk about crushes, silly things. Even when I was young I don’t remember really having friends. The shy, awkward, quite, weird girl. Of course the list could go on and on. There are so many times I can recall where I had no one. Or even more times where my “friends” would start talking about something they all did together, without me. The worst is when they would say (and I’ve been told this countless times) somethings like oh I don’t know why we didn’t invite you. Every time that was like a knife going through me. So you admit now that I should have been there but I just never crossed your mind? Tonight I was ruminating about when I was a kid and lived up north. I had so many friends that never invited me over. It’s not that they just didn’t invite people over because they would talk about it in front of me. I would just not be invited over. There was this one girl I can look back on now and realize that I wasn’t truly her friend. She was one of my best friends though. I even bought one of those puzzle piece necklaces to where they would fit together and say best friends. In all the years I knew her, I was invited to her house once. Ouch.
What I’ve never understood is what’s wrong with me? This has happened my entire life. Am I that reprehensible? I don’t know and I can’t go back in time and find out. Why can’t I stop letting these memories invade my mind? This will just have to go on the list of things to work on.
Focus on the present, not the past. I can only change today.