the food dance

It’s 1:27 am. I can’t sleep. Seems to be a recurring thing these days. My mood has been up, down, in circles, you name it. Eating is becoming harder too. It starts with a small thought, maybe a blip on the radar. Next comes the images. Food, food, food screams in my brain. I know so many people say to just start doing something else. Go for a walk, call a friend. Well, it’s 1:30 in the morning. Both of those aren’t really a viable answer. My hands start to shake and my stomach starts to churn.  I NEED food now. It’s my fix. I’ll walk back and forth five times and not find anything appealing to eat. What am I going to eat? I have to go out. No one can know how much or what I’m eating. I eat until I can’t eat anymore. Yeah, sometimes I make myself sick from it all. I don’t know what’s worse, the shame from binging or the regret and hatred I have for failing. I’ve been doing so well. I lost 6.6 pounds last week! Just like everything else in life, I just can’t do it. Measuring up isn’t my strong point in life. I wish, I wish, I wish. In another life I would be asleep now and not worrying about food, not obsessing over it. Failure.DSC_0043


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