Hopeless yes. Helpless no. I know I can pack a bag and go to my parents house. Or I can go the hospital where my psychiatrist is the head of. But what’s the point? It’s an endless cycle. They stabilize me from my current crisis and then everybody goes back to business, just like nothing happened. Something is happening though! I only have so many layers that can be peeled away before my vitals crash for the last time. If you’ve taken away all the layers then there is nothing shielding my heart from disease and being crushed.
This week is all about making it to Thursday. I see my psychiatrist and am actually looking forward. This guy is super knowledgable. I’m going by myself with my hands up. I’m on eight meds. Of course some are to counteract the side effects of other. I just want to stop taking them all. Well not my benzo. I want to live life in a happy fog.
I have a week and a half before I try out the new Psychologist. My psychiatrist trained under this guy so I’m going in with a positive vibe. He’s already called me and talked with me and his assistant has called twice. I hope this guy can handle me. I’m not joking. I’ve had therapists in the past who’ve fired me. Yes I’m a very difficult patient. My moods are extreme. I have addiction issues. I have have separation anxiety, although I hide it so no one knows. I’ve spent most of my life hiding my feelings and doing what I’m told. I have a thousand layers and do not open up easily. I’ve been burned too many times. I don’t know how common this is but I’m going in with a list of what I need and expect from him. I want this to be clinical. I’m not paying him to tell me his life stories and what he did last weekend. I want proven methods of techniques. No hypnosis. CBT and DBT work well with me, thank you. If he’s having a problem with me I expect it to be brought up immediately. Honestly though is that too much to ask?
I’m going through all my songs in Spotify and trying to arrange them in playlists that make sense to me. I don’t think other people would have one titled bury me, but hey it’s my mind. I would love to fall asleep but that would just be too easy, right? I took 2mg of Ativan. And still am not tired. Time to take some melatonin and eat a multigrain waffle. That has to help, right?