I choose life

 Well I started back with ECT today. I knew going in that my brain stopped responding to right unilateral. For my previous ECT my doctor and I decided to go with it and try bilateral. I had a great seizure but some wicked memory loss as well. Because of the memory loss, my doctor wanted to try right unilateral again. The first shock produced nothing so he did another one with with minimal results. I go back Friday and won’t be surprised if he wants to do bilateral. I finally have a psychiatrist that I feel is fully competent and up to date on the leading psychiatric meds, findings, procedures, you name it. I still feel so blessed that he is my ECT and regular psychiatrist. 

My mom told me how much better she thinks I’m doing today. I just smiled at her. I agree I’m doing better but it’s my thoughts and feelings that no one can see that have somewhat shifted. Lately I’ve been too depressed to be sad. You know that feeling you get in your chest and wanting to cry so bad and are doing everything you can to keep it together? Yeah that’s how I’ve felt most of the day. My feelings are coming back and that scares the hell out of me. Now I care enough to kill myself. Before I just wanted to die, I just wanted to somehow disappear. This is why antidepressants have the warning on the bottle. If you’re so low that you’re numb and then climb to the level of actually caring again you’re fully set to map out a plan and go through with it. 

I’m praying like crazy. On Friday I’m going to be brutally honest and tell my doctor exactly how I feel. If the rain ever stops tomorrow I’m going on a walk with my dog and all my favorite music blasting in my ears. I have to be completely proactive. This is a matter of life and death

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