Got back from the hospital this afternoon. Another week taken from my life. At least I was only in there for 7 days this time. That might be the shortest stay ever. I went to the hospital where my psychiatrist is the executive medical director. It was my second time there. I also get my ECTs done there. The hospital really is top notch. It was a lot better than the last time I was there, back in October.
Thursday was my toughest day by far. I now have a secondary diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Now this shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. I’ve been diagnosed with it once before. Heck, my doctor and I have even discussed it before. But formally being labeled with bpd is just so tough. How can it not rock me to my core? My personality? I have to change?
On Tuesdays and Thursdays there is a panel discussion on how you’re doing. Your psych is there along with your therapists, medical doctor, nurse, billing/ insurance you name it. Usually most of them say something. Not this time. My doctor brow beat me for a good ten minutes. I left confused and defeated. We had group therapy about 30 minutes later. Next came lunch, but I didn’t make it that far. I had a complete breakdown after therapy. My therapist stayed and talked to me and another patient was there for support.
Now, I can’t say looking back on things, that I didn’t deserve everything my psychiatrist threw out. I talked to him for awhile yesterday and told him I was having hard with the diagnosis of bpd. He gave me some great advice. I need to focus on how this helps explain my behavior and how I see the world. We now know that I really need to get into a DBT program. There are only a few and they’re pretty darn pricy. I’ll be calling them tomorrow and see if they give scholarships or have a sliding scale.
This is just another bump in the road of my life. I just got to think of it as finding the place where another puzzle piece goes. With this new knowledge I can get better even faster.