It’s peaceful out here. The baby birds are chirping, lizards slithering around, and sun peaking through the trees. Ironically, I’m listening to Brave by Sara Bareillas. In this beautiful world, I’m struggling to be brave. To have those healthy adult relationships seem all but impossible. What do I do to even begin?
This morning I had therapy and there seems to be no let up with the health professionals I see. Can’t they be more understanding, easy going, compassionate? I guess I’ve had that all through my life and it’s gotten me here. A woman in her early thirties who’s living in her parents house, rent free. A woman who takes more medication that people triple her age. A woman that is so emotionally unstable that her parents don’t feel comfortable to leave her alone for more than a couple of hours. A woman who is still a child. Am I scared to be an adult?
If I’m honest with myself all of this plays into my new diagnosis so well. I can carry the facade only for so long. The more you get to know me, the more you can see how I have such troubles regulating my emotions and how most of my relationships are sinking quicker than the Titanic. I’m so eager to have a friend that I become aggressive. I can’t leave a new friend alone, want them to be best friends right after meeting me.
I believe I can, will get better. The hard work will get done. It’s ok for me not to know how I always feel. There is no reason to believe I am going to get better instantaneously. It doesn’t happen that way. This is life, not a Disney movie. Sometimes I might only move forward an inch, or even go backwards. As long as I keep trying I will survive.
We’re Gonna Be Ok
Andie Case featuring Travis Graham