I told him the truth, he didn’t believe me. My psychiatrist said it’s the BPD. I’ve learned that’s my default response, wanting to kill myself. Yes, that’s true. I still see myself through others eyes. When someone is mean, rude, etc to me, it’s my fault. I’ve been working on it in therapy for months now. “It gets easier with time. You just have to keep working on it.” Every session two times a week.
How do I handle the thoughts inundating my head constantly? The dreams of me hanging myself. The thoughts of buying a new blade and slashing my throat. While driving, forcing myself to stay on the road and not driving off an overpass or speed into a guardrail at 120 mph.
I don’t know how to stop it. I started cutting again. The feelings have to come out somewhere. My stomach is where I hide my pain. I cut for relief, not attention. No one knows. Who knows what my therapist would say. My psychiatrist would get all heady.
I’m at a loss. Just like I told both my therapist and psychiatrist, I’m 99% ready to give up. The only thing that’s holding me on is finishing this semester with a 4.0. One more week.
I’ll be safe for one more week.