My Mother

She is the biggest bitch, trigger, fake person I know. Never is there an apology or even a hint of “I’m wrong.” I would run far, far away if I could. My mood can plummet from feeling solidly happy to deep disparity in two minutes flat. 

I’m learning she isn’t capable of the compassion I want. Other people and places need to become my safe places. Isn’t it a pretty basic want, for her to be there when I need support? The sooner I internalize it’s not going to happen is the sooner I’ll find happiness. 

Yesterday I let her throw me into sadness and depression. I allowed an outside force to ruin my mood, myself. Never will I be truly content if I continue to do that. It doesn’t matter that she yelled and blamed me for the world ending for two minutes straight. I was the one who internalized the words. The words always, never, bad are slipping out of my vocabulary, why did I allow them back in?

No one is perfect, not me, not her. I am a good person despite not having a long ways to go. Happiness is something you decide to be and you can decide that anytime. She can yell and scream and call me names. I don’t have to listen and agree though. 

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