Stand firm

Tonight I’m grateful. For once, I’m grateful for my illness. It’s taught me to be strong, to stand up for what I believe. I’ve learned to crave knowledge of the truth and to share to others. In saying that, today was hard. More than hard. Agonizing. 
It’s 1:17 and I’m still wide awake. Tears keep forming and I’m hastily wiping them away. Makelore is quietly playing on my phone. 800 mg of Seroquel and 6 mg of meletonin have done nothing to induce sleep. I feel queasy and hot. My heart is in my throat, beating heavily. 

What has me so upset? My faith was challenged tonight. No, that’s wrapping tonight’s events in a pretty little bow. It’s more like a five year old just demolished all their gifts on Christmas morning. Wrapping paper and ribbon shroud the floor. Boxes are thrown everywhere. It’s chaos. 

I stand firm in my faith. I am a follower of Christ. I believe He is my lord and savior. Jesus came to earth as a physical embodiment of God to die for our sins, so that we may have eternal life. I love the Lord and live my life for him. I work for and teach at church. I spend half my week in the fellowship of other believers where we study the word. I want to grow in my love and knowledge of the Bible. 

So when the leader of my bible study tried to tell our group the antrichrist is here and Jesus will come within the next year, to say I was floored was an understatement. Why? It’s not a teaching of the church we go to. When I pointed that out, he said he didn’t care. What?!?! Hold the phone here! These beliefs were backed by more conspiracy theory. Why do I call it that? He had no concrete evidence of his beliefs. Someone else asked where he was getting his information and he simply replied, “It’s out there.” Well fuck yeah! You can find anything on the internet now. I can find plenty of “information” saying Hitler was perfect and his beliefs and are true. 

I believe in the Bible. I also believe in history. History that is gathered by multiple sources and can be corroborated. You can’t pluck a word here and a phrase there. Same goes with the Bible. Call me crazy. I live for the truth. 

I have already made certain concessions going to this church. They are very conservative on a whole. I’ve had people, who are very close to me, say things that I wholeheartedly disagree with. That’s fine if you find homosexuality wrong. But to say you wouldn’t trust your child with someone who is openly gay? How homophobic. They would be so surprised if they knew people’s identities behind closed doors. I’m sure some people they think are so great aren’t and same goes for all those “heathens” out there. When you treat people as Jesus did, and commanded us to do, you find a beautiful world out there. One with so many more colors than you could ever imagine. 

I’ll end with these beautifully written lyrics by Macklemore:

America the brave                                        Still fears what we don’t know And God loves all his children it’s somehow forgotten.                                                          But we paraphrase a book written 3, 500 hundred years ago                                             I don’t know

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