I still don’t know if I can believe what happened this evening. It’s going to make me reevaluate my core beliefs. It seems so silly to say, so basic to write. This is the hardest thing for me to even think into existence.
I matter to this world. I am worthy of loving myself and of being loved.
Last night I cut myself again. I hadn’t in months. I had blades and scissors all around me. After going through all the art boxes from my storage unit I found a bunch of straight edges. I let them sit in my room for over a week. Oh yeah, I’ll get rid of them I thought. No big deal. But it was a big deal and I knew it. I wasn’t fooling myself or anyone else. I said I’d throw them out or give them to a friend.
Two things happened last night before I did anything positive with the blades. I decided to self sabotage and my emotions got to a level I thought I couldn’t handle. I have a pattern of self sabotaging after about a month of recovery. I’m not worthy of getting better, I’ve always thought. Also, my little brother went back up to school, so the focus was back on me. Not in a good way either. I needed to do this, go do that. Why can’t you be like blank? I felt I couldn’t take it. So rather than talking to my parents on how I felt they were treating me, or reaching out to a friend, I cut. Cutting feels so good. It’s almost orgasmic. A wave of endorphins wash over me. Everything is alright.
Then, reality hits. Consequences fall. I had to tell my therapist today and be ready for what could happen. I could get kicked out of the program. Luckily I didn’t get kicked out. I haven’t heard what my doctor is going to say to me tomorrow, though.
This evening I went to my friend’s house and gave her all my scissors and blades. I’m not going to lie and say I now feel so free because that would be a lie. My heart does feel love though. I texted this friend this afternoon and didn’t get a response for several hours. I figured she didn’t want to get involved. In actuality, she had a really busy day at work and hadn’t had time to look at her phone. Even though her husband wanted to spend the evening with her, she opened up her home to me. I went over and gave her the blades to dispose of. We talked for an hour, catching up on last week and getting deep and talking about why I cut.
Before I left she looked me straight on and told me that I matter and that I am worthy of love. I’ve heard this from therapists before but never from someone with such raw emotions. I thank God for this friendship.
Lately, I’ve started going back to worship. It’s been years since I’ve been able to do this. Today I it felt like God was speaking straight to me from the minister’s mouth. I’ve got to be honest, I haven’t been very close to God in the past few years. Maybe I’ve been subconsciously blaming Him for the mental illnesses I have and the addictions I battle. Worship isn’t for me, too many people and it’ll make me too anxious. Just one excuse after another.
I teach two year olds twice a month for a program at church. The co-teacher has been praying for me and showing her love of Christ in everything she does. Just recently have I noticed what a blessing she has been straight from God. Every time I see her I am remind how much she loves and encourages and how Christ is moving through her to get to me.
Little by little, gentle push by push, He has shown me His love and how I can be healed by him. This morning, our young, energetic, loud and powerful minister preached. His words came straight from Gods mouth. In summary of his sermon, I need to stop blaming God, to asking if He can hear me and command to be healed. Pray continuously, be active in my own recovery and have the faith I will get well. It might not be today or tomorrow, or even this year, but I will be healed. God’s gracious love and the gift of His son are given to me and you as well.
God is good.
I made it through the weekend. I’ve made it through the week. There has been some really highs and lows, but I’m still here. No hospital stay, no even changing of meds.Maybe I’m skeptically optimistic. Tonight is the second night back at my place. My parents text or call many times a day to check up on me. I feel like such a burden to them. They shouldn’t have to be checking in on their child anymore. Heck, they’re retiring in a few years and are looking at cities they might want to live in. My mom and I were talking about that the other day. They want to be closer to their grandchildren, whom are in Arkansas. We got to talking about me. I’m not gonna lie, that was some hard shit to talk about. My parents have to live in a big enough city because of my healthcare. It’s like a stab in the chest. I want them to live wherever they want, not limit their searches because I so fucked up. I’m pretty sure when they move they will try to find a house with an apartment in the backyard or connected to their house in some way. All of this makes me feel so needy
i felt very accomplished today because I want to the grocery store and was able to shop the whole time with no panic attacks. Go consciously slowing my breathing down.
Tomorrow I’ve asked a friend to hang out with me. It’s supposed to be beautiful so I want to go to the park and walk.
I’m trying to become a butterfly. I may not see my beauty, but everyone else does.