My Mother

She is the biggest bitch, trigger, fake person I know. Never is there an apology or even a hint of “I’m wrong.” I would run far, far away if I could. My mood can plummet from feeling solidly happy to deep disparity in two minutes flat. 

I’m learning she isn’t capable of the compassion I want. Other people and places need to become my safe places. Isn’t it a pretty basic want, for her to be there when I need support? The sooner I internalize it’s not going to happen is the sooner I’ll find happiness. 

Yesterday I let her throw me into sadness and depression. I allowed an outside force to ruin my mood, myself. Never will I be truly content if I continue to do that. It doesn’t matter that she yelled and blamed me for the world ending for two minutes straight. I was the one who internalized the words. The words always, never, bad are slipping out of my vocabulary, why did I allow them back in?

No one is perfect, not me, not her. I am a good person despite not having a long ways to go. Happiness is something you decide to be and you can decide that anytime. She can yell and scream and call me names. I don’t have to listen and agree though. 

Am I invisible?

So I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’m 32 and live at home with my parents. Yes, I hate it and am ashamed of it. What makes it worse is that my father completely ignores me. He ignores me to the point of walking past me and not even acknowledging me when I’m talking to him. I get no hello, bye, how are you. Tonight at dinner I attempted to talk to him. I told him I called a special agency that will help me get a job. He said nothing nor looked at me. My mom said something to the effect of, “you already told me that.” I said I was telling dad. She then asked why I didn’t continue and I said because it was obvious he had no interest in it. So my mom changed the subject and life moved on. For them. It was just another moment of me being crushed. I don’t understand it. Meds only go so far. Therapy only goes so far. It’s really hard when someone you live with pretends you don’t exist. 

Father

I know why I have so much hate, so much anger and hurt towards him. He’s a bully. Plain and simple. If you mess up, or he views it as such, in any way, he finds joy in yelling and arguing with you. He does this until you’re sufficiently belittled, crying, angry, whatever negative emotion he can get out of you. Change needs to, must, happen, but it never will. For change is too uncomfortable and too much work for someone who is deep down hurting or sick as well. 

slight victory

I made it through the weekend. I’ve made it through the week. There has been some really highs and lows, but I’m still here. No hospital stay, no even changing of meds.Maybe I’m skeptically optimistic. Tonight is the second night back at my place. My parents text or call many times a day to check up on me. I feel like such a burden to them. They shouldn’t have to be checking in on their child anymore. Heck, they’re retiring in a few years and are looking at cities they might want to live in. My mom and I were talking about that the other day. They want to be closer to their grandchildren, whom are in Arkansas. We got to talking about me. I’m not gonna lie, that was some hard shit to talk about. My parents have to live in a big enough city because of my healthcare. It’s like a stab in the chest. I want them to live wherever they want, not limit their searches because I so fucked up. I’m pretty sure when they move they will try to find a house with an apartment in the backyard or connected to their house in some way.  All of this makes me feel so needy

i felt very accomplished today because I want to the grocery store and was able to shop the whole time with no panic attacks. Go consciously slowing my breathing down.

Tomorrow I’ve asked a friend to hang out with me. It’s supposed to be beautiful so I want to go to the park and walk.

I’m trying to become a butterfly. I may not see my beauty, but everyone else does.DSCN0843

The cure

Why me? The question that everyone with a mental illness asks. What did I do to deserve this? Why God? What cosmic force is getting even with me?

I’ve been doing well, super well. Too well? It’s not like mania has reared its ugly head. Exercise, eat well, take my meds, go to support groups, hang out with friends. Check, check and more checks. Something I’m doing is wrong. 

My mind is plagued with suicidal thoughts and plans. I just want to cry out to someone, anyone to make it stop. A physical pain always rushes through my head, my heart, and down through my stomach. Is suicide the cure? 

Friendships fade. Family leaves. Everyone moves on while I’m still hurting. 

It’s all gravy

Finally, it’s all starting to work! I feel pretty amazing today. Not the manic craziness, the I’m starting to get better and am so proud of myself. I have worked so hard to heal my mind. Never before have I taken a program so seriously.

I do the homework, watch the videos suggested, add the apps, do the yoga and meditation. I love how I feel. Yeah, I’ve had some stressors this week. My mom has still been mom, but I’ve set some great boundaries! I told her to stop going through my things and to stop nagging me. She was less than thrilled. In the end it’s going to be way better because I won’t feel that my space is being intruded upon.

I went to a support group, had dinner with a good friend before that, attended my small group’s Christmas party, went to a Christmas party with my friend, went to the craziness of Walmart one night, and yesterday got my nails done and had some me time. I could’ve had another bad week if I didn’t do those things and had a bad attitude again. I chose to do all those things and to take php seriously with an open mind. I couldn’t sleep one night, so I got up and took a shower and then did some yoga. Yeah, I fell asleep after that. I’m loving meditation and yoga. Somehow it calms me down and picks me up at the same time.

I get to see my younger brother tonight. He doesn’t start his internship until the 4th. I hope to get in some quality time with him. After his internship ends in March, I think he’ll be back at school until he graduates with his master’s degree in Spring 2017 (yeah he’s an entire year ahead than he should be). He’s a pretty darn awesome kid and I’m extremely proud of him. I talked to my older brother last night. I pretty much always have good conversations with him now. I want to change the amount of time I spend with my brothers. I take them for granted. I am extremely lucky we still have good relationships. I’ve put them through such pain and distress with all my suicide attempts. I am going to try and call them at least once a week. That’s just an hour out of my schedule per week. I can definitely do that.

It’s now time for meditation and yoga. I’m listening to some Christian music now. Life is good. 🙂

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