At church, just sitting in my car, hesitating to go in. Everything is going right in my life. Why am I so depressed? Even though I’ll see my friends soon it doesn’t feel like they want to see me. They ask if I can record and make cds but nothing of being happy to see me. Although, they say they’re happy others are coming. It’s just like, ok, the past is swinging around to the present. 

It’s like I’m begging God to take away my pain and despair. It doesn’t work that way, and I know it. I guess it’s better than never letting him in. 

So here I go. Time to have dinner by myself.  Pick myself up and play the game one more time. 

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I’ll cry if I want to

It’s my birthday. I’m sad, not depressed, just sad. I don’t know why. Is it because only one person has acknowledged it? I don’t think so. I don’t think my birthday has anything to do with it really. 

I’m in php. This is my 12th day. I’ve had two, two week each hospitalizations since September. The second time my doctor “highly suggested” I do php. So here I am. Every weekday from 9-2 I’m here doing the hardest job I’ve ever done. Being told that everything you’ve been doing and thinking isn’t healthy so you need to unlearn it all and relearn how to think in a healthy way. Plus an hour and a half commute completely drains me. 

I don’t know what I want and more importantly I don’t know what I need. The reason I’m here is to find out. Hopefully it’ll sink in soon. 

Trying

Not gonna lie, I’m not doing too well. I just feel like nothing good is happening in my life. I’m back at my parent’s home with a ton of bills swallowing me up. I have the privilege of driving my mother’s car and it’s far from fashionable. It seems like I can’t keep a friend. I was on the way to one of my friends place and got a call I was uninvited. What an ego boost, ha. I just don’t know. I just want to give up. Not kill myself. That’s too hard.  But I want to do nothing more than just sit here forever more.  

I choose life

 Well I started back with ECT today. I knew going in that my brain stopped responding to right unilateral. For my previous ECT my doctor and I decided to go with it and try bilateral. I had a great seizure but some wicked memory loss as well. Because of the memory loss, my doctor wanted to try right unilateral again. The first shock produced nothing so he did another one with with minimal results. I go back Friday and won’t be surprised if he wants to do bilateral. I finally have a psychiatrist that I feel is fully competent and up to date on the leading psychiatric meds, findings, procedures, you name it. I still feel so blessed that he is my ECT and regular psychiatrist. 

My mom told me how much better she thinks I’m doing today. I just smiled at her. I agree I’m doing better but it’s my thoughts and feelings that no one can see that have somewhat shifted. Lately I’ve been too depressed to be sad. You know that feeling you get in your chest and wanting to cry so bad and are doing everything you can to keep it together? Yeah that’s how I’ve felt most of the day. My feelings are coming back and that scares the hell out of me. Now I care enough to kill myself. Before I just wanted to die, I just wanted to somehow disappear. This is why antidepressants have the warning on the bottle. If you’re so low that you’re numb and then climb to the level of actually caring again you’re fully set to map out a plan and go through with it. 

I’m praying like crazy. On Friday I’m going to be brutally honest and tell my doctor exactly how I feel. If the rain ever stops tomorrow I’m going on a walk with my dog and all my favorite music blasting in my ears. I have to be completely proactive. This is a matter of life and death

Relationships?

People don’t understand what I’m trying to say when I say I hate people. “I find people incredibly interesting and I yearn for for close and intimate relationships.” That’s what I wish I could tell them. There’s just just one little problem. I don’t know what bizzare quirk there is about me but it just seems that no one likes me. I mean, yeah, I know I’m fat and am not the prettiest person. I’m definitely am not the smartest or funniest by far. But neither is almost all of the rest of the population. 

Last week I had a girl, whom I considered one of my closest friends, text me she doesn’t want to be my friend. It shocked me so much that I haven’t be able to really decompress from the text. I’ve just pushed it aside until I can dissect what I did to fuck another relationship up so bad. 

So, I guess I’m down to three friends. I highly suspect one of the three will dump me to the curb when another of his friends moves down here. That’s ok. I’m already preparing for this. One of the others I see once every month or so. We don’t expect anymore out of each other so that’s fine (of course I secretly wish we could be closer but it’s stupid to push and wind up with her gone). I’ve been friends with the third one for a couple of years now. We have dinner almost once a week before support group. It’s nothing too personal, but it’s nice nonetheless. 

I won’t even go into dating. It would require so many things to happen. I think world peace will happen before anyone could ever be the slightest interested in me. Romantic relationships and me are like oil and water. 

  

The cure

Why me? The question that everyone with a mental illness asks. What did I do to deserve this? Why God? What cosmic force is getting even with me?

I’ve been doing well, super well. Too well? It’s not like mania has reared its ugly head. Exercise, eat well, take my meds, go to support groups, hang out with friends. Check, check and more checks. Something I’m doing is wrong. 

My mind is plagued with suicidal thoughts and plans. I just want to cry out to someone, anyone to make it stop. A physical pain always rushes through my head, my heart, and down through my stomach. Is suicide the cure? 

Friendships fade. Family leaves. Everyone moves on while I’m still hurting.